For the Better.

In response to my suicide note:

If you find this letter, please tell my mom that I love her and that I am still here. If you happen to see her crying, which she rarely does, tell her to dry her tears. Remind her that I am in my room and please remind her that I am still living. That I am still breathing. Someone said “How do you tell the woman who gave you life that you don’t want it anymore?”, Mom, know that I want it. I didn’t know how to tell you that I was close to giving up, but I want it. Mom, I didn’t know how to bring it up. Mom, I’m glad that I can write this note.  If you see my father, and he isn’t watching his normal shows after work or taking his usual nap, please remind him that I am still breathing. That I am still living. Please let him know that I am on my way home from the football game. Let him know that I am still here. Let him know that I rejoined choir. Let him hear each note as I recite the words one by one, and one by one they become the purest form of my pain. One by one they heal me. Once it hurt to stand in front of others because I could barely stand for myself. I could barely lie down without wishing that it was permanent. Let him know that I have found my song. Let him know that just like Maya, I know why the caged bird sings. I know why it flaps its wings though they have been broken- why it hums its melody though no one is listening. If you find this note, know that I have lived and died everyday at the same time. I have taken my last breath and my first in the same moment. I have been reincarnated without my soul leaving my body. If you find this note… if you happen to find this letter…please know that you can do the same.

I’ve talked about suicidal thoughts and actions in past posts, but going in to a new year I believe it is important to realize that you made it. Even if your bad days sometimes outweighed your good, even if you spent nights awake in your bed thinking of your last breath, you made it. You pushed through- and for that, you are my inspiration. You are the reason that I write. You are the very thing which gives me purpose, and if you were able to preserver this far, I’m confident that you will be able to do such in 2018. You are not your restless night. You are not what ales you. You are not your biggest insecurity. You are the ball of hope as it drops and people gather in awe. You are the prayer of a stranger when you had not the strength to pray for yourself. You are someone’s wishlist. You are what someone has made a resolution to become.

In 2018, stop comparing yourself to others, and stop belittling yourself due to your past. This year will be a mixture of sunshine and rain , but remember that both cause the grass to grow. It will allow you to become more than you once imagined. This will be the year of confidence. This will be a year of empowerment. This will be the year that you change your outlook and perspective for the better, change your mindset for the better, change your surroundings for the better. This year, 2018, will be the year of you.

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