Lately, when I have woken up, I have either felt sad, or I have felt nothing and I hate feeling nothing so I force myself to feel sad, but eventually you become numb to feeling sad, so you feel nothing anyway. So I turn on tvs. I dont watch them, but I turn them on because maybe if I turn them on then I can turn my sadness off. I can drown it in episodes of shark tank but my mind feels like a shark tank. And my thoughts, they are swimmers. They know how to float, so they stay above the water, but depression. Depression is the shark. It attacks them when they least expect it, so i turn the tv off again. I turn it off and I go back to bed and I lie there. I lie there thinking.
I can not stop googling information because maybe finding out something new will distract me from something old but I end up with a saved tab on depersonalization. I stopped watching the tv, and I felt like I was watching myself. I hate watching myself , but I can not not watch myself so the feeling of nothing comes back. Only this time it is in the shape of my anxiety. Sadness sometimes does that, so I turn on music instead. The volume low, because the vibrations are too much when it is up high. They shake me until the room is spinning and my world comes tumbling down. Volume low because I can not listen to it up high. Volume low because I feel low and I can not comprehend what it feels like to be able to float. Ya know, the way the swimmers do? So I make a sandwich. And I eat it, and i throw it up because I can not keep food down. I regurgitate it like the information I have googled. My stomach upset from the panic, and the tears streaming down my face. They are the only thing able to escape my head because my thoughts can not escape my head and if my thoughts do escape my head, they are in the form of a suicide attempt.
Lately, when I have woken up, I have felt like going back to sleep. Only this time forever. Lately I have had dreams. And my dreams pull me from reality long enough to remember what happiness felt like. Lately, I have dreamed of you. Only in this poem, “you” is the person I want to become but can not force myself to talk to. I can not walk up to her because I have convinced myself that she is too good for me. So I wake up, because dreaming of happiness is not actually happiness. It is being sad and wishing you felt nothing. So once again I feel nothing, so once again I force myself to feel sad. I turn the music off too.
Lately when I have woken up, I have wished that I hadn’t. Lately I have wished that I could express myself in ways other than metaphors. Lately. I have wished that death WAS a metaphor instead of a reality that keeps me feeling nothing. That keeps me feeling sad. I have wished that it did not use a handicapped parking spot so close to my door that going to it seems so easy and I may end up in its arms.
Lately, when i wake up, I feel as though I am again watching tv. Only, I am in the tv, and I can not get out. Lately, I feel out of control. I feel that every step, every breath, every conversation is not my own. I feel so many emotions at once that I feel nothing, but I do not want to feel nothing so I feel sad. And when I feel sad, I panic because I can not figure out why I feel sad. I should not feel sad. I should not feel nothing. I should feel.
Lately…my mother says to pray…so I do. Only, I do not know how to approach God. She tells me that he sits high, and he looks low. Well God, I feel so low. I feel as the roots of the tree or bottom of the ocean. I feel as the sole under the constant pressure of a size 13 shoe, or the silent letters in numb or in doubt. I feel both. Lately, I have not wanted to, but for some reason I have woken up.
And Lately, when I have woken up, I have felt sadness or I have felt nothing.